The POWER Of A Compliment

If we asked people today what they think a good body looks like, most of them, if not all, would be able to give an answer. Their answers would have some uniformity and variation between them. But if we ask those same people today what a good soul looks like, there is serious doubt that any of them could give a sufficient answer. I would bet a week’s worth of wages that our ancestors, on the other hand, would have had a much easier time adequately answering that latter question. What changed? In recent times we have seen both a disconnection from meaningful values and a disconnection from other people that have caused an increase in rates of depression and anxiety. We miss the gravity of what it means to be human. We now take for granted the power that even the simplest of things have on our lives. In the following case, a simple compliment.

When I was in 4th grade I went on a big school field trip to the museum. There were many other elementary schools present – primarily 4th and 5th graders. Halfway through the museum tour I vividly remember walking past another school’s class when this unknown girl, likely another 4th grader, looks at me, looks down at my shirt, then looks back up at me and states aloud, “Hey, I like your shirt!” To which I shyly, and with a very surprised look, muttered the reply, “Oh…thank you.” She continued on in the opposite direction, as did I.

Let me explain what I was wearing that day: I had on a plain crew-neck burgundy t-shirt. There were no words on it, no fancy design, no special emblem. It was a nice shirt but it was just a plain burgundy shirt. The end. But that is not the end of the effect that those 5 seconds in time had on my life. For several years after that day I wore that burgundy shirt with pride until it no longer fit my body. To this day, my closet has ALWAYS contained a few burgundy shirts – workout shirts, dress shirts, casual shirts. I have two pairs of burgundy khaki pants as well! Whenever I have worn burgundy over the years my confidence is above average. As odd as that sounds (and it is), it is solely due to a single compliment received from girl who I had not known and never saw again.

Why do compliments sometimes have such a great effect on our psyche? What gives a compliment the power to make or break your entire day? Are not compliments just words? Does the length of a compliment matter? Why do they make us blush and laugh of happiness? Why do they strengthen relationships? What makes one compliment more authentic or impactful than another compliment? In layman’s terms, why do compliments make us feel warm and fuzzy inside? It is very possible that the answer it more complicated than we realize. The answer is deeper than our psychological, physiological, or neurological wiring. It is not just an emotional reaction. A compliment knocks on the door of the deepest part of our hearts; the part that we forget exists but is more real than anything else we are aware of on a daily basis.

Someone once said,

“Beauty is not just beautiful, it is telling you something deeper.”

The same principle applies with compliments. A compliment is a reminder to us of a perfection that we once remember [at the beginning of time] and of a perfection that we yearn to one day return again [at the end of time]. A compliment is like a sip of water on a hot, sunny afternoon when our bodies did not even realize how thirsty it was. It is a taste of a heavenly utopia that whispers in our ear, “Hey, things will get better than where they are now. In the meantime, you are seen and you are loved.” We know this to be true – how can it be any other way?

“A compliment is a reminder to us of a perfection that we once remember [at the beginning of time] and of a perfection that we yearn to one day return again [at the end of time].”

When you compliment your partner for something they did well it means the world to them because (1) they care about the person saying it, (2) it feels good to be uniquely appreciated and (3) the compliment is a glimpse into a perfection that we were/are destined to live in, but currently do not. We live in a fallen and broken world. We are aware of our imperfections and that we fall short every day. Because of this we feel degrees of guilt in both healthy and unhealthy ways. Regardless of which guilt we feel at a given time, we are keenly aware that this brokenness is not normal. It does not sit right with us. However, receiving a genuine compliment temporarily paralyzes those natural feelings of guilt, allowing us to temporarily reach a mental and spiritual state of presence where things finally feel right with the world. It gives water to our thirsty souls while questioning the negative feelings we have of ourselves and of what is around us. Even a simple compliment about a burgundy shirt can have this effect. It is difficult for a person in a serious state of depression to feel the effects of a compliment because, in that depressed state, they are mentally unable to see past their current state of mind.

“However, receiving a genuine compliment temporarily paralyzes those natural feelings of guilt, allowing us to temporarily reach a mental and spiritual state of presence where things finally feel right with the world.”

Compliments can tell us what we are doing right. They remind us what we have been blessed with. They teach us something about ourselves. They encourage us to keep going in a particular direction that brings about meaning. Meaning is something we have been losing grasp of in today’s western world. But meaning gets you somewhere in the path of life. Without meaning life feels stagnant. Meaning is an instinct that is telling you that you’re going towards a proper goal. Closer towards Truth. Other vehicles can do this – i.e. common sense, books, music, art, stories, humor, beauty, etc. A compliment is simply a different vehicle, of no lesser or greater importance. It can take other forms such as praise, trusted judgement, wise critique, and intentional reward.

Also of importance for us to understand, a compliment rarely has the same effect when it is done inauthentically – as with people-pleasing. Also, we should not seek validation from other people or seek a standard of achievement that is impossible to maintain. There is wisdom and intentionality needed on both sides of this coin. Nor is an Instagram “like” analogous to a compliment. An Instagram like is to a compliment what pornography is to sex. It is a cheap imitation. As pastor/writer Douglas Wilson once said in the context of false religions vs Christianity, “It is a counterfeit of the genuine article. And no one counterfeits something else unless that something else is extremely valuable.” Our cognitive traits have intercepted with the digital world, thus decreasing our ability to receive real compliments, decreasing our opportunities for real world conversations that lead to compliments, skewing our desire to seek what is meaningful, and lessening our understanding of what it even means to have a soul.

It is an odd truth that compliments remind us of who we were actually created to be. I do love my burgundy shirts. Every single one over the years. And I will always have a few in my closet. Thank you to that 4th grader years ago who spoke a simple truth that touched my heart so deeply.

One day, we will reach that heavenly perfection and not need compliments anymore. The Book of Revelation says there will be no tears in Heaven. They’ll be no need of them. I’d bet a year’s worth of wages that there will be no compliments in Heaven either. They’ll be no need of them.